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Take that

Consciously, I no longer think of myself as a person who is constantly teased. I no longer think of myself as a social reject, the ugly kid who no one will talk to except to make fun of. But I think the battle to stop being so terrified I would get squashed if I opened my mouth, such a fierce battle that I eventually was unable to speak without creating more problems for myself, changed who I was on such a fundamental level that I will never truly overcome it.

I know I make it sound incredibly dramatic. I don't even know if the outcome of being treated that way is wholly bad, so don't think I'm whining.

I can address a group now without squeaking, without my words twisting nervously out of my mouth to form statements which make little sense and hurt other people without meaning to. I can make new friends, I can even make a good first impression, now.

That was the first fight. I won that one. The second one was to move beyond the constant need for outside approval. You can't effectively love yourself if you don't believe that anyone else does unless you're arrogant to the point of narcissism. So for the longest time, I had to fight to find even a scrap of self-worth to cling to. Slowly, over the years, I was able to find that scrap and groom it and nurture it into a real self-affirming force. I won that fight, too.

There were a couple more down the road after that. Paranoia that everyone secretly hated me. Constantly hearing slights and jabs where there were none. Just feeling comfortable with my self in a room.

Then the next big one - letting go of my anger and the bitter hurt so that I could actually become a nice person. Forcing myself to think of others, now that they were good guys again, to take into consideration how they felt, what they needed, and what I could do to make their lives easier. I'm probably going to be working on that one for the rest of my life, but I've made a serious dent in it.

But there's one left, one gruesome and nasty scar, most of the time dormant and buried, but it sticks out a little bit from time to time and more occasionally rears its ugly head in a devastating way.

The feeling like I wasted half my life getting what most people seemed to either be born with, or seemed to have achieved by the end of high school. The feeling of being behind. Of being a social late bloomer.

I know that a lot of people went through the same thing. A lot of people are in the same place as I am. I'm not trying to prove that I'm better or worse off than anyone else. But sometimes, I just wonder how things might have been different for me if I'd gotten a chance to be this person when I was much younger. A studious person in the days of school. A reliable person in the early years of my career. A confident person when I still had the chance to do anything I wanted. Sing opera. March in drum corps. Act on the stage. A nice person when I still turned heads.

I know I'm not old, or boring, or washed up, or ugly. I know that I'm still alive and vibrant and interesting. I have everything I ever wanted out of life, on a fundamental level, aside from the part where I'm currently between jobs. A house, a husband, a great kid, some annoying cats, a fantastic group of friends, a good relationship with my family, a choir which is practically like family. I'm not regretting a damn thing, and I am sure that if I'd gotten this confidence and this humility and this kindness when I was younger, I wouldn't be the person that I was today.

But some days I just react to life like a person who was screwed out of something. Like a person who got the shaft. I overcame the shaft, but I sometimes feel like I got it all the same.

Well, I say to you, feelings of shaftedness, you are full of SHIT. You are invalid. You are STUPID. I renounce you. Go the fuck away already, I don't want you hanging around here. Because all you do is make me maudlin and jealous and pouty and that's not a good look for me.

Usually I get control of that crap pretty quick. I think being jobless is making it harder to shake. Either way, I've done everything I can recently to nip it in the bud and it won't shut up. So that's where I am right now. I'm feeling resentful and a bit angry, and that probably means that I am an entitled jerk-face and should just be grateful for everything that I have.

And I AM! I'm grateful that I have the ability to write really really fast and put all this out in the world so I can annoy the crap out of anyone who may of actually made it to the bottom of this mess, which completely fell apart after about paragraph 7.

You're all practically screaming at me to get to the point now, aren't you? I had you at 'incredibly dramatic' and lost you at shaftedness, admit it.

There. I made myself laugh. See? It's not so hard. There's tons of people out there who were never teased on the playground who probably can't even make themselves laugh. I win.

Do you hear that, you non-sharing, red-rubber-ball-flinging, cross-eyeded-comment-making, nerd-calling, weird-hating normal people!?

I.

Win.

Ok...

Raise your hand if you're reading this and you're not on facebook.

Also raise your hand if you're more likely to actually see something here than you would on facebook.

Also, raise your hand if you think I should go to bed instead of asking random questions on LJ at 1 am.

Wait, now how will I tell who is raising their hand about what?

But I am le tired!

I guess I might be depressed or something. One of my first signs is that I stop communicating with people. If you are people, you know what I'm talking about. Sorry about that. I think the funk I'm in has officially reached a place that's not good. I need a job. I need a purpose. I need to be less useless.

I'm pretty sure that it's not good for my general state of mind to be caged indoors all the time, either. That's probably a large part of it. No vitamin D, because I'm a vampire now. No, I can't even really go out at night. 10 minutes in the sun air, and I am a sneezing mess of doom.

I miss the big blue room. I miss feeling like a useful member of society, too.

Bedtime, for sure. Hopefully things will look better tomorrow when the sun is up. And I can't go out in it.

Fail.

Rage

Full of rage. Not so much because of http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/europe/04/14/vatican.homosexuality.pedophilia/index.html?hpt=T2 but because of the lovely findings I had in trying to find ANY study that successfully links homosexuality with pedophilia. This page http://www.biblebelievers.com/Cameron3.html and stuff like it just makes my blood boil. You'll notice that his footnotes 9 and 12, which are supposed to prove the no one has ever found any physical evidence that homosexuality is genetic, (if you can read the tiny tiny font on the footnotes) cite studies from the 1980's. What a bunch of bollocks. GRRRRRR!!!!

Letter...

Dear Jim Butcher,

You're a son of a bitch and you know it.

Lots of completely un-sarcastic love,

Elli

P.S. I'm positive that if you were to actually read this, it would be with a certain amount of satisfaction.

Bleah

I hate how I am ok/mediocre at everything and not REALLY F-ing good at anything. It makes me feel like a loser.

Mississippi is not win

I'm sure most of you have heard about this thing that happened.

I just have one thing to say about it - Mississippi has a piss poor track record on these issues. They were THE LAST state to ratify the 19th amendment (it failed in 1920 and then was finally gotten around to in 1984!) and they were one of the states that waited until Loving v. Virginia forced them to overturn the anti-miscegenation laws.

I'm not surprised, I guess they haven't changed in the last century.

Haha

This isn't the funniest site ever, but here's my three entry digest for the first few pages that I read:

1. I bet the first person to milk a cow got so much shit

2. Since they always call the president Mr. President, if he had a PhD in something would he have to be called Dr. President? Dr. President... How badass can one person be?

3. If you mixed butter and "I cant believe its not butter" do you get "I can sort of believe that some of this isnt butter"?

Operation: Backyard facelift!

To do...

Garden:

finish digging garden
construct garden frame
put dirt in
plant stuff

General yard:

Clean up
wash patio and outside of house
trim plants and mow grass

things to paint:

1 square wooden table
2 wooden chairs
1 kids bench
1 potting bench
the shed (optional?)

Also - put up shelves and colorful pots on the outside of the shed. If this looks good enough, painting the whole shed might not be that important.

Seems like a lot to do!!!!

And now, take cat to vet. Hasta!

What's an Elli?

Not sure, but this elusive creature has puzzled scientists across the world. Is she real? Does she actually exist?

Well, ok, yes. I do exist. But in what form? Am I a mist, or a jelly? Or perhaps, made of meat? Ok, yeah, I'm made of meat.

But, on a deeper level, what is the general purpose of an Elli? Does she think, therefore she is? Does she exist for the purpose of the betterment of all mankind? Or is she kind of a shallow whiner?

The world may never know.

***

Er, which is to say, it's time for bed, bitches.